All things come to an end.

If I close this chapter that sings of loneliness and sorrow, will mine own condition, too come to an end with it? I suspect not. But I will close it anyway - I am far too tired lamenting and contemplating this... state I am in. As the saying goes (paraphrased slightly) 'Tis nobler to suffer the slings and stones of misfortune; or by surrendering end them?'. In other words, I'm too tired, too weak, too much of a coward to even think of fighting any more.

Throughout this year... I think I've been rediscovering how to be alone. To walk without companions, to eat alone, study alone, a quiet existence that doesn't allow the presence of others. What can I say? I just don't feel like I fit in anywhere. Self-confidence to even speak to strangers of casual matters - that's something I kind of lost somewhere along the way, making me silent, which of course, discomforts others even more. I wish to have people to comfort me and to be with me, but... I just don't seem to belong.

So I am alone.

And so this chapter shall end. No more blogging.

There is a saying that goes, "Nobody dies happy."

I wonder if that's true? I suppose it must be - imagine if you left the land of the living right now, without warning. Would you have regrets, dreams unfulfilled? If you still had a body, would you not weep for those you left behind, and for wrongs never righted? Even those that go peacefully in the night have a lifetime of sins to atone for and mountains of missed opportunities, of regrets left behind in the past. Not to speak of those who die violently, suddenly, against their will.

And there are those, of course, who take their own life. As usual, I cannot understand why. But I have not truly felt that ultimate darkness. I just feel... empty. Despair? Despair is something I can't understand, not yet anyway. There still can be moments of joy even in my solititude - maybe it's pwning somebody in DotA, maybe it's a particularly retarded moment of Azumanga Daioh, but yes, there is laughter, times when I feel like I can almost see the beauty of this life.

Until that moment passes, of course.

Just like all things, eventually pass away, and we learn to let go. 

Is it better to be angry, or to be empty?

Well, it's not that I don't know what I'm feeling (is that even possible?), but rather, I'm not so sure that I should be feeling this way. To be honest, there are times when I feel really, really unhappy, and there are times I don't feel much of anything, like right now. Anger - I don't think I should allow myself the luxury of being angry. Inevitably, anger and hate consume their user...

So is love worth the breaking of a heart? Right now, I say no. Even happy memories have been tainted, rendered bitter ashes in my mind - they're something I try not to think about. But every now and then, they pop up again, as they usually do when I have too much free time.

It's a rainy day, and so here I am trapped in campus - boy does it suck. A lot. The connection is as poor as ever (even though I've complained about it numerous times), and I suspect that it's not due to bandwidth, since pictures load incredibly fast, but forums, text documents.... they are lagging worse than a one legged man in an ass-kicking contest.

This leads me to believe that campus IT authorities are filtering content through a checker to weed out 'illegal' content, which in turn, makes me really angry. It's bad enough that accessing websites is slower than molasses; now they're monitoring our usage?! Heck, we pay to study here and to use the facilities; not to be restricted and led by the hand like we're little kids. I've already moaned and complained about this: though I don't think they'll take much note. Stupid people.